Starting Over vs. Changing Course

*Please keep in mind that what you're about to read is full of honest (and maybe thought-provoking) words, and I'm hesitant to even hit the 'publish' button. So cut me a little slack if anything comes across the wrong way, and also feel free to share your thoughts in the comments box below. I'd be very grateful :) Most of all, thanks for taking the time to read, I won't blame you if you stop halfway through haha!*


There comes that moment, when you hit the biggest tallest thickest brick wall, where you tell yourself 'I can't do this. I can't get through this, what's the point' so you let the mental sickness turn into physical nausea that takes over your body. The weak knees, the plummeting heart, the headache, the crying, the constant heavy sighing, lashing out at loved ones - it all pushes you further and further into your fears and anxiety and you just want to curl up in a ball under your duvet. And 9 times out of 10, you do. Your room, your space, your bed is no longer a sanctuary of comfort. It's a fortress, a hideaway, a place of wasted time, guilt and self condemnation.

It's hard to remind yourself that it's not forever. Nothing and nobody says those emotions are final, or that until the day you die you'll never feel anything else. No, SIR. But standing back on your own two feet can only be achieved by one person... You. You can be coaxed and dragged into a wobbly stance in all kinds of ways with help from others. Other people can be a great help in getting your head screwed back on. But surely you'd prefer the dignity of using your inner power to stand to your feet, rather than the attractive words and energy of someone else. Because at the end of the day, if we were all completely on our own, we would still have that ability to repair and grow. We don't NEED outside help. The power is in you, you just have to dig it out.

Here's a centrifugal phrase to remember throughout life: there is always a choice. There is always a choice. For instance, a choice to inhale freedom & exhale mental captivity, instead of the other way around. It just takes one firm answer in response to each question you're torturing yourself with.

"Can I really do this?"

"Yes"

"Do I have the strength to move forward?"

"Yes"

"Will I let this defeat me?"
"No"
"Will I always feel this way?"
"No"

There are also simple physical actions that will take away emotional fear. Breathe in, breathe out, relax. In through your nose, 2, 3, 4, and out through your mouth, 2, 3, 4. (There's a layman science behind it if you ever wondered why this basic action can be so damn effective [in my own words:] When a situation creates panic, adrenaline is produced and starts coursing through your body. This causes your heart to beat faster, and therefore your breathing quickens due to the uneven exchange of oxygen. In order to combat this, the slower and more concentrated your breathing is, the more oxygen will get into your lungs, reaching your heart faster, and then your pulse can slow down again, and the nausea goes away. Alternatively - opposite end of the scale - you can exert a sudden burst of energy. When the panicky feeling rises, go jog up and down the stairs a few times. Seriously. Because then you're spending the hormones up quickly, and so you can settle quicker. [I'm not a scientist please don't quote me.])

Simple steps to take in the face of adversity! I use these all the time, I really do find that focusing and channelling negative energy into a physical action helps things calm down pretty quick.

 

Sidenote: How gorgeous are these rings? Everyone go have a nosey over at Dixi for more babelicious beauts like this, make your fingers look sexy AND give yourself therapeutic tips all at once. They do great giveaways too if you get involved!  www.shopdixi.com

 

Some distractions from emotional pain are good, you know? Exercise, movies, reading, retail therapy. But everything else aside, you have more than enough power to stop yourself from dropping into 'failure to function' state of mind. Don't drown your sorrows in anything that makes you feel drained. Seek out positive sources, not black holes that will soak up your positivity and drive. Staring silly at your phone in the hope for attention is not a positive source, are we clear? Going for a run in the fresh air listening to your favourite music is. Messing around with girls right after you break up with your girlfriend is not a positive source of happiness. Spending time with friends and having a good laugh, is. Moping around watching daytime TV in bed wishing you hadn't lost your job is not a positive source, but printing out 20 CVs and taking them to all relevant local shops and businesses one afternoon, is. Helps to remind yourself of obvious basics sometimes. It gives you fresh ideas for sources of inspiration to move forward in the most beneficial / healthiest way possible.

I recently fell, hard, into an unhealthy sunken state of mind. Life has the loveliest way of caving in on you, doesn't it? They may say 'expect the unexpected', but we still walk blindly into pain and heartache. I don't care who you are in this world, there's no way you're exempt from that carpet-pulled-from-your-feet gut wrenching feeling at some point along your journey. Because change is inevitable, unavoidable, the universe relies on continuous change in all aspects to keep it ticking. Nothing is constant in any of our lives, and funnily (but not so funnily) enough, a great deal of us have a huuuge problem dealing with that. I would say I'm one of them.

So I'm writing out of direct and fresh experience today. Nothing like a bit of raw honesty to make everyone feel better about themselves: I'm in a slap-bang-in-the-middle struggle, between feelings of hope for the future, and mourning of the past. On top of that, I've seen my loved ones crushed by hurtful, thoughtless, heartless words and actions of others, which sickens me to my core. Feels like everything I know is working against me (I know it's not but seriously, talk about bad timing.) I've temporarily turned into a shell of the person I usually am (albeit putting on a good enough front for work/friends) and I've actually shocked and scared myself at the things that I've thought, said and done. I've decided that I have nothing to lose by seeking a 'professional' shoulder, which is a lump-in-the-throat step for me to take because I've always liked to be a shoulder to cry on, not the other way around. I get so worked up with myself deciding on what is OK to share and what is not, so I'm learning to lay all my cards down in this setting. It's not shameful to be vulnerable when help is offered, but I DO feel sort of ashamed, yet I also feel helpless against it. Letting go of something you really want but know is harmful to you in the long run, is a tough call to make. And dealing with that on top of a built up mountain of other heartaches, is even tougher. Everything's upside down.

Desire vs. Wisdom. Head vs. Heart. It's a predicament that every human is destined to face, and any choice you make will always have opposing consequences.

Something that hit me this week is that pride maaajorly comes into it. Our pride gets stung a lot, we're very egotistical creatures and it can be the cause of so much bad feeling. I know why I say this; I believed I had things all planned out. I had it all together. I envisioned the future, I foresaw how the problems before me would straighten themselves out, I pictured the hurdles, solutions, I knew how I felt, I knew how I would feel, based on all the good and bad I experienced... I was kidding myself into thinking that things were far better than they were, running on empty but acting like I had a tank full. I was "comfortable enough" and I didn't want any change. And then suddenly, literally overnight, I was entirely and completely wrong. All of those things I had stored up and well-rehearsed in my head became undone. And I felt a little embarrassed too, because questions would be asked, and I feared that those in whom I had confided would be thinking 'told you so'. I felt stupid for taking a risk and going against my initial gut feeling. (Note to self: discernment is a precious tool, make better use of it.) All of these things factored in to how low I became. So yeah, 'pride' or 'ego' is a huge issue when it comes to a big upheaval.

The other thing was emptiness. Like, when you invest so much into someone or something, it's almost like you're pouring out all of your resources and you end up with nothing left for yourself. I remember a time when I still felt in control and feared I was letting things get that way, but I ignored it and carried on as I was, and look where it took me. Now I felt used up and dry; exhausted. I put all of my hopes and dreams and confidence into one place, and that place no longer existed, so naturally, the hopes and dreams disappeared. I've been panicking. And not just because of all these things ^^^

I'm panicking because I've been through this exact situation before so I know how each twist and turn goes on this rollercoaster. Except the second time around feels impossibly and scarily final. Necessary closure, but still, I feel like I was treading water in what I thought was the shallows only to realise I was in the deep all along.

But you know, just because I know what the dread, the heartache, the fears, the disappointment, the loneliness and the failure feels like, doesn't mean it's the end of the road for me. It doesn't mean I won't feel their counterparts, too.

Hope, happiness, security, safety, warmth, light and love are mine. They're just changing form. This is what I choose to meditate on. I am not out of resources. I am not spent. I have a never-ending source inside of me that I will carry until the day I die. I do not end here, I simply change course. It's like having a cancer removed, and crying to the surgeon "why are you hurting me with that knife?"

If you choose to stay in that pit, the one where you feel sorry for yourself and start to suffocate at the idea of going out into the real world and facing reality, you personally and wilfully stunt your entire life right here right now. It is a choice and we all know it. Everything can seemingly work against you but you still always have the choice and the power to overcome!

(Oh and it helps to have the greatest family/friends in the WORLD. I thank God that I feel that love from them. Always a text/phone call/stupid snapchat/movie night/junk food feast/leisurely jog away.)

Here's a bad, rusty analogy, but it just came into my head.. Say you're a professional fighter. Your body knows what it's like to get knocked down, but also how to get right back up. So, you're in the middle of a round. Hooks coming left and right, you take a blow to the ribs, you're on the ground, you're trying to get back up and swing a punch but a heavy fist gets to you first, knocking the wind out of you. You accept it; this opponent is good, your toughest yet. You're tired, you're dripping with sweat and your muscles ache, BUT, you're not finished. Your legs still work, your arms still work, your brain still ticks, your heart still beats. You're bruised and you want to lie down... But you are very much live and kicking and perfectly capable of walking out of the ring. So you make the choice to give your best, finish the fight, and walk away with your head held high, rather than slope to the ground and close your eyes. It would be weird if you did that, wouldn't it? Just picture it. Your fight is finished and your opponent goes off to get showered, but instead of you also going to get cleaned up, go home, eat and get some rest... You just stay right there on the floor and sleep. Erm. That wouldn't be normal? And more importantly, would not be at all necessary. Do you see where I'm going with this....

Your mind takes a lot of beatings over the years. Things that make you question who you love, who you are, where you're going, and so on. But it's so strong. It's the strongest part of you. It is designed to get back up again. Think of all the countless stories told on this earth of how love has healed people, hope has healed people, will power has created situations that nobody thought humanly possible and cannot be logically explained.. All because this tool, this powerful mind of ours, has strength that is beyond much explanation. It does things that blow us away, memories take us by surprise, knowledge impresses us, the examples are countless. So why, pray tell, should some bad situations and heavy struggles get the best of our heads? Why do we let anxiety and depression in so easily?

There's TONS of answers to that question that we could discuss for days on end. But it's simple and clear to you right now as you're reading this, that we have more mental strength than we care to admit or give ourselves credit for. We get LAZY and complacent. We're surrounded by a lot of negative sh*t on the TV, newspapers, magazines, internet, bad news is 'promoted' on your Twitter feed.. everywhere we look we're bombarded with bad news. It does something to the psyche, constantly being fed with misery and fear. It's not natural, I don't believe, that we should report all of the disasters, wars, famines, disputes - the worst things - across the globe, instantaneously, 24/7... and leave out 90% of the good. It's just not healthy. I know a good few people who, when asked if they 'heard about that robbery' or 'saw that rape story' etc, reply with 'no, I don't watch the news'. And then the other person looks at them as if to say 'what? you ignorant person, why would you not watch the...' no just give it a rest would you? Why is mandatory to consume what the media, led by the government, want to feed us? It isn't. It's a form of control, as we all well know, anddd I will not open that can of worms because I am not nearly educated or well-read enough, haha. I have my opinions but that's a whole other topic! Off on a tangent I see, how unheard of Zoë.

To refer to the analogy I was making earlier, you can't ever say it's necessary to let anxiety win. You can't let the victory of your mental fight be stolen by anxiety. You just can't. It's a choice to pick yourself up after the blows that are dealt. And if you feel that your mental muscles are too weak, then it sounds like you need a bit of exercise. (I include myself here, I'm not preaching.)

The main point is, don't give in, don't give up. Hope is very real and very tangible, if you just let it be so. It can be quashed by all this negativity but there is SO MUCH POSITIVE TOO. They don't report that much, do they? I bet we all have countless stories to share of amazing things we've individually heard of around the world that are never widely broadcasted, yet had a greater impact on us sat on our sofas, than accounts of death and destruction.


My problems - or anybody else's - aren't disappearing but I'm teaching myself to inhale and exhale my way through it. I have loved and lost, lived and learned. If life is a grand tapestry, who am I to try and unpick the parts that were once lovingly created? It's all one huge lesson, this journey of ours. I embrace what I'm learning even if it stings. Even if the knife removing the tumour hurts me, I know it is for my good.

So. To the future... Now that these ol' wheels of change are in motion, I'm looking at making some other big changes. I can't afford not to dedicate my precious time to things that matter. Yes it's hard to stay motivated but I will get there. I've started staying away from a certain poisonous social media site that begins with F. It drains my time and perpetually irritates me anyway. I'm in the middle of a big physical clear out of my 'living space' (AKA messy messy cluttered unorganised stressful room). I'm making sure I get out to see as much live music as possible for ever-fresh and invigorating inspiration. I'm looking at planning a trip away, a bit of solo travel again. I'm working on music more than ever. I've chopped down my nails (emotional) and am embracing the finger blisters from playing my guitar again, as well as some lessons! My lyrics and poetry are flowing like nobody's business, so stay tuned for some stuff I'd love to share :) I'll be posting links to my YouTube, and my blog here will be full of interesting stuff that I'd love to get feedback on. At the end of the day, life is made fuller by the connections we make and what we share with each other. So my way of connecting is through music and words - to hear how they affect others would make my year! Yes I've had a crappy time lately, but it is my choice to keep my head up and look forward. I can get through this. As can you through your own darker days.


Parting thoughts....
You create your own reality.
Choose to shine.

"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds & diamonds are made under pressure"