Heavy heart.

Last night I couldn't sleep because I felt so miserable, after deciding to go to bed to try and sleep because I felt so miserable. Just one of those nights, I guess. I wasn't feeling ungrateful; just frustrated at being stuck. Frozen where I am. So much ambition, a decent amount of talent if I may so, and I have no idea where to take it. Utterly directionless. Desperately trying to relax and sleep, I had melodies and lyrics that I've created going round and round in my head, irritated at the irony, unable to shut off. I'm not unhappy with life, but I'm unhappy with feeling bewildered. I'm not quite in control, and it makes me feel a little hopeless.. Even though I'm not. Does this make any sense?

Like I said, I'm not ungrateful about anything I have. I am most thankful and fully aware of how blessed I am. I think the thing I am most annoyed with is, all of that blessing and love poured into me that I give out, most of the time it's just hitting the floor around me. I want to share the creativity in my bones. I don't think it was placed inside me just for me. It's not for my benefit (although I do so much enjoy singing and writing, it liberates me). All I want is for people to relate to my music the way I relate to my favourite songs, favourite artists, favourite meanings. They speak something to me, much louder than mere words. Music ministers. That's what I know I'm going to do with mine.

I hope this doesn't contradict my last post... I like to focus on what I can change to make myself and those around me happy. But this is different. This isn't just a small desire, this is like, my whole life's meaning and purpose. As corny as it sounds, I was born to set something off inside people. I was born to make others think. I was born to dish out love. And I was born to do all that through music.

I watched an interview with Lady Gaga recently where she talked about protecting our generation through instilling various important values including self-love. That is such an important message. And I do believe so many people take notice of her; she eminates love, amidst all her oddities, and she has a stage, an outlet to be that positive influence she always wanted to be. That's all I want, on whatever scale it may be. To positively influence. Let people know that they are accepted and loved and special, regardless of any label they wear. People don't change through condemning or commanding, but through us loving and relating.

So, when is my time?